How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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