bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
