At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
