I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
