Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize