Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They took my balls.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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