need another drink. this is the easiest way
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
