This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
