im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
