eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
