you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
