I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
