He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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