She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize