you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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