Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
