There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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