I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
