Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Randomize
