You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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