My friends, they love my intelligence
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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