Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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