Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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