I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
