I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
