Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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