I smell stomach acid.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
