he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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