i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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