literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
