idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
