I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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