I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize