there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
