I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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