I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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