But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
