I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
