So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
