no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
