Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I wear drunk well.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
