I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
