$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
