Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
