drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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