gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
