Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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