he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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