My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
