If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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