I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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