What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
