i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
