you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
