I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
