Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize