I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
