so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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