Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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