I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
