Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
