I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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